(A letter to my expecting sister and expecting sister-in-law that is just for entertainment purposes only, anything said or done in this letter should be completely taken out of context and laughed at.)
Dear Susan and Katie,
As you are preparing for becoming a mother here are a few observations I have made recently that you could benefit from, pay attention.
You will be amazed at how much stuff kids can take out, pull out, drag out, stuff you didn't even know you have, sometimes you will thank them for finding that cord to your cell phone you've been looking for for eons but most likely it will just be things in powder form that spill all over or 10 decks of cards you used to break out in your pre-kid days when playing cards and staying up late was by your own choice-52 pick up (x 10) will have new meaning soon.
also you will find yourself sampling brown stains off floors and walls to sniff and smell if it's poop....because honestly, 9 times out of 10 it is and then you have go and find the culprit because that little sampling is the least of your worries now.
you will be amazed at the amount of paper work that comes home from school, it is enough to make a small paper hut with, oh and that will be a third grade project so just remember to keep it all anyway. It's probably no more than any of us used to bring home as kids. But in our culture of putting everything your child creates in plastic Ikea oversized frames in monogrammed binned rooms it seems like you have to KEEP everything. You'll feel bad using the best tool you have-the BLACK garbage bag (thank you Rosie O'Donnell for saying this years ago before I had kids and thought you were mean, mean, mean for talking about using the big black bag for a lot of your kids school papers. I am eating those words right now.....with ice cream).
Those funny, endearing, quasi annoying things that your husbands used to do will, in fact, in your sleep deprived minds be grounds for divorce but.....you will find those same things not so offending in if the baby does them. (disclaimer-I am NOT talking about making a "beer-a-mid"-I think I just made up that word, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.)
Going to the bathroom by yourself will become an absolute luxury.....unless of course, you married a nosy, no boundaries husband, and then you have never known the solace of the potty room.....in that case, I can't help you there......and I can't imagine why would you have married one of those guys anyway, which I'm pretty sure you didn't but it's funny anyway (hi Ned and Taylor).
The bathroom also has the only door you can really lock without feeling "mom" guilty. Locking yourself in your bedroom, or well, any room of your home that would hold other possibilities than relieving oneself will just make you feel bad and wonder if escaping is really worth the pounding on the door with "Mom- WHAT are YOU doing IN THERE?" You will hear this often. You really do not have to answer that one if you're in the bathroom (I do however, loudly, which is probably why it took me so long to become friends with my neighbors as yelling, "I am making a poop, THAT is WHAT I am doing", really loudly in an adult voice is crazy talk.....which brings me to the whole appendix of Things I Never Thought I Would Do Before Becoming a Parent but that is a whole other post....
P.S-Your life is about to become about poop. That is all.....for now.
(I can't imagine the traffic I am going to get for mentioning poop so often in this post.....poop, poop, poop.)
Also, poop ws the FIRST word that my son learned to write, because really it is four OOOO's with two lines. Think about it.